Tuesday, June 14, 2022

R.H.G.C., Part 1...

 

Welcome to Ryan's Hickory Golf Course!

Today we're golfing on a unique DIY hickory golf course nestled in the verdant backyard of a local eccentric.

Its bucolic setting lends new meaning to the word "pastoral"...

păs′tər-əl, pă-stôr′-

adjective

  1. Of or relating to shepherds or herders.
  2. Of, relating to, or used for animal husbandry.
  3. Of or relating to the country or country life; rural.

....though now that I look it up I guess the meaning is pretty much the same as it's always been.

Hmm...could have sworn it was different.

Anyway, this par 32, 273 pace course consists of 9 challenging holes with water and/or sand in play on 7 of them.

It also embraces an economy of real estate that would make a can of sardines...



...50 shades of green with envy (though due to that greenish tint you might want to check the expiration date if you're actually planning to eat them).

Play is by invitation only, or in your case by court order as part of your community service.


(Yeah, we know what you did; it's right there in the public record.)

Thanks to the rise of Big Brotherism...



...and the alarming advance of IT (Intrusive Technology), all we have to do is key in some pertinent personal and biometric data, readily available on the Dark Web and we can calculate your performance to within a half stroke (rounded up, naturally).

I'll just do some data entry here to get the ball rolling.

Lessee...height, weight, body mass index...whoa...is that your BMI?  Your doctor may have something to say at your next physical.

Eye color, social security number, valid credit card, number of dependents...wait; that many?

Come on; didn't you kick your uncle Myron and his live-in girlfriend out a couple of years ago?

Bench press, vertical leap, 40 yard dash time...you're gonna have to improve on those before the NFL combine, unless you're planning to play for Detroit.

That should be enough for the initial load...just waiting for output now...hmm...I see some unpaid traffic tickets...a lien on your second mortgage...are you sure you can afford this?

Ah, here we go...your vitals have been analyzed and your swing speed calculated, so looks like we're all set for your custom round of "pasture pool".




Here we are at the first tee:



What?  Hey, it's been a little dry lately, ok?  Watch your step or we'll call your probation officer.

The cool midcentury modern tee sign...


...was created by Holly at Atomic Avocado Designs and informs us this is a par 3, 25 paces long.

There's the green...


...25 paces away.

There's no water hazard or sand trap to deal with, but you do have the stone wall in front of you, the "out of bounds" driveway between you and the narrow green, the drain hole by the garage (aka, “the graveyard of Wiffle golf balls”), and don't even THINK about bouncing one off my truck if you know what's good for you.

I see you've chosen your mashie to tee off; no doubt making sure you’ll get the distance needed to avoid the driveway.

I'll just step back out of the way here and let you do your thing.

Take your time, no rush at all, just forget I'm here watching your every move and your ankle bracelet in case it lights up for any reason...

That's it...nice, smooth, easy SWING!

Hmm...you looked a little jumpy there and it showed in your results...


...as you overshot the green.

But no problem, a short niblick will put you on the green with a chance to 1 putt for par...


...hmm...well, a SHORT niblick will put you on the green with a chance to 1 putt for bogey...


...make that double bogey...


...and a 4 putt gets you down in, lessee, um...well, that's a snowman...



...and we're off to # 2.




Here we are at the 2nd tee...


...a par 4 and 33 paces...definitely a mid iron to tee off.

I'll just step back out of the way and...hey!

What's your rush?  I didn't even get a chance to...well...anyway, pretty nice drive...


...looks like you've got an easy niblick to be on the green in two.

Only thing to watch out for is the sand trap on the far side of the green, but as long as you hit an EASY niblick...


...yeah, that's fine, don't listen to me, just do whatever you want.

So the trick with hitting from a sand trap is...


...um, yeah...like that...but I see you're gonna be "putting off the rail", so magnanimous souls that we are, you're allowed a "dipsy doodle" in these cases.

You put your putter against the rail...


...and swivel it one club head length, then place your ball at the end...


...to give you some putting room.  The Dipsy Doodle.

No pressure, but a 1 putt here will save par...


...alas, golf can be a cruel mistress.

Normally that would be a gimme, but considering your performance on #1, just go ahead and tap it in.

And...on to # 3.



Our 3rd hole is a par 3, 26 paces...


...and the only thing to be aware of is the sand trap in front of the hole.


If you're not sure you can drive the green with your mid iron, you might want to lay up with your mashie and...


...that's right, I forgot you're playing ninja golf, so welcome to another sand trap.

Just remember to hit the sand before the ball and follow through, so...


...well...yeah, like that, but I see you sprayed sand on my green so I'm going to have to nick you for a $15 green cleaning fee.

Hey, they don't clean themselves, boyo, so move on, take your dipsy doodle to get off the rail...


...and let's see if you can 1 putt for par here.


Alrighty then...to number 4 we go.



On this one “4” is the "numero du jour”…it’s the 4th hole, a par 4 and 44 paces long.


It’s also a slight dogleg right so the green is not visible from the tee.


Obviously you're hitting over the white stones / small pond area and you do need to be aware of the sand trap ahead on the left.

However if you push it slightly right the pool fence and umbrella will obstruct…

For crying out loud!  Can’t you at least wait until…


Ok, nice tee shot with your mid iron...missed the sand trap and there's the green up ahead, but...

Hey, hold up…might wanna use your mashie here since I’ve seen how you handle your niblick and there’s another sand trap…


Did you just chip in for eagle??



5 is the trickiest hole on the course...


...only a short par 3 of 25 paces, but you're shooting for a small, 9' diameter green, and the kicker is you're hitting over water...


...as in my pool, so don't bean any semi-naked swimmers lounging poolside.

A niblick from the tee will give you more height to clear the pool, but if the wind is from the west you might want a mashie for distance instead.

Just beware the sand trap on the west side of...


Did you just…?

How is that possible??

I've never gotten a hole in one on number 5 before!

This is outrag...um...I mean, congratulations...



Well, after being 6 over after 3 holes, you've miraculously managed to shave 4 strokes off your score over the last two holes, leaving you at +2.

This is where we turn the corner and go back to finish holes 6 through 9...and conveniently it's also where we've placed the MEMBERS ONLY clubhouse...


...and it looks like they're serving steaks on the grill, so...why don't you just wait out here and bask in your glory while I fete your fancy hole in one with a big juicy steak, some mashed potatoes, buttered cornbread and a cold Corona.

Or maybe some Peaks and Tides Pinot Noir.

Don't you worry, we'll finish your round.

Eventually.



later, mcm fans...

* Crass Commercialism Corner *

In the "so convenient you can't stand it" department, you can purchase my books here and on Amazon.com.

Get your paperback books here:



Get your ebooks here:


No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.