We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize I want a divorce.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms.
We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is our separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.
After that, the rest should be easy!
Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
--We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
--You can keep Oprah, Whoopi, Bill Maher, Michael Moore and AOC. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them and their egos.
--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Chick-Fil-A.
--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare frauds, drug addicts and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep Kristi Noem, Tucker Carlson and Bibles and give you Cuomo, NBC and Hollywood.
--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll support Israel while retaining the right to hammer places that threaten us.
--You can have BLM and Antifa; we'll keep the Heritage Foundation and the Hoover Institution.
--When our allies are under assault, we'll help provide them security; when our way of life is threatened, we'll defend it.
--You're welcome to bootlick every foreign power you can find and kowtow to every whiner who screams about micro-aggressions.
--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, woke ideology and Shirley McLaine. You can also have the UN., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
--We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
--You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine," "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," "Kum Baya," or "We Are the World."
--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle-up poverty your best shot.
--Since they so often offend you, we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.
In the spirit of friendly parting, think about who's going to need whose help 15 years from now.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take George Clooney, Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Short, Charlie Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and (Hanoi) Jane Fonda with you.
P.P.S. You won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
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