Atomic Monster Cafe: While Digging In The Archives...

...I stumbled across this box.

Curiosity piqued, I took it down and opened it up:

Cool! I love old phones, so I pulled it out of the box and set it up.

gotta love Jimmy Durante

Wow...that is old...no dial.

Wondering if it actually works, I rummaged around a bit and found a couple of typewritten pages of useful info, to wit:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE:

This phone is circa 1905 so it converts everything to that time period.

To make a phone call:

1. Pick up the handset

2. Press the receiver a couple of times

3. Wait for the operator to greet you

4. Give her the phone number you wish to call. It will automatically be converted to phone numbers from that time period, e.g., COdswallop 371 or FLotsam 592.

5. When your party answers, speak normally. The phone will translate common phrases to the appropriate colloquialism of that era.

E.g., "I paid $8.00 to see a movie" will be rendered as "It cost me a jitney to see the flickers".

6. When finished with your call, say goodbye and replace the handset in the receiver.

If you experience problems, see below:

TROUBLESHOOTING COMMON PROBLEMS

"I don't hear anything."

REMEMBER THERE'S NO DIAL SO YOU WON'T HEAR A DIAL TONE

"I don't mean the dial tone; I don't hear anything."

SPEAK LOUDER; PHONE EQUIPMENT IN THE EARLY 1900'S WASN'T AS GOOD AS TODAY

"That's crazy! How will speaking louder help?"

IT MIGHT NOT BUT IT CAN'T HURT

"What I'm saying is I don't hear any sounds!"

TRY YOUR OTHER EAR

"It's not me! There's no one on the line at all!"

HOW DO YOU KNOW? JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T HEAR THEM DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT THERE MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU

"Ok, this doesn't actually work, does it?"

OF COURSE IT DOES THE OPERATOR PROBABLY HAS THE DAY OFF TRY AGAIN TOMORROW

Just for the record:

a) in spite of what Karen says, that's hilarious, -and-

b) the phone does work...even has a ringer, but as noted, no dial, so you can't dial out with it.

You can however talk to whomever calls you.

But remember, they might not understand "What a goop! He was on the make with a choice bit of calico until the Sheba's big six bopped his beezer!"*

* what a dope! he was flirting with a good looking woman until her big boyfriend punched him in the nose!

In the "Woo Hoo!" department, we've finally kissed February farewell...

...and welcomed March with a firm, manly handshake.

note: moustache and handgun optional

March may not be the prettiest month of the year but it does boast the time change...

...when it stays light later;

St. Patrick's Day...

...when everyone's Irish (another Guinness please);

And best of all: Spring!

...when I can finally change paragraph separators.

Ok, I may be jumping the gun a bit, but it's my blog so take that:

In case you've been so busy fakebooking and X'ing (formerly twitting) that you've missed what's happening in the real world, here's the latest fascist to proudly parade her ignorance in the public square:

Meet Ms. Przybyla, Politico hack, who recently criticized what she called "Christian Nationalists", because they stupidly believe that "...rights don’t come from Congress, they don’t come from the Supreme Court, they come from God.”

In her cloistered, echo-chamber world, the following statement is not just false, it's radically dangerous:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed."

Ms. Przybyla should do a few things:

1) buy a vowel

2) avoid battles of wit since she's obviously unarmed

-and-

3) read our nation's founding documents, starting with the Declaration Of Independence.

Mercy.